This I the hardest thing I have ever painted. It doesn’t help that there’s a time limit and I have definitely procrastinated. In part I have procrastinated because I have had so many other things happen and my business has been thrown some major curve balls that have been strenuous on my bank account and my anxiety. But I think I have also procrastinated a bit because of fear.
I am partially terrified to paint this new commission because it’s so personal. There is some excitement too, but a good amount is of fear that has left me frozen.
But with about a week left of the time line I need to bite the leather strap and start.
Reasons it freaks me out number 1: it’s a portrait. Painting people still freaks me out to be honest. Even though I use to want to paint primarily portraits.
Reason number 2: the portrait is of two men very important to me and very close to me. The portrait is of my deceased dad and my uncle. The reference is from an old video from 2012.
My aunty asked me to paint this scene for my uncles birthday. My dad wrote this song he got from a dream where his loved ones that passed on already spoke to him. So in this video my dad and uncle are singing this song (the camera battery died half way though the video and it’s the only recorded copy of the song 😭) in Waipio valley, a very important place for our family.
It’s such a wonderful idea to paint this scene and I’m so honored to do it. But I need to separate myself from the pressure I feel about it. The video is also so old and blurry that I have to use my memory and other reference photos of the men in order to paint it.
Goals while painting this.. allow myself to cry if I need to but don’t get tears on the paper. Also to get it realistic and let each persons love shine through the paper.
…
I am almost done with the painting. And I realize how much of a person really lies in their eyes and how much emotion and feeling come from their eyes.
I suppose I am saving the eyes for the last part. I wish I had a smaller paint brush and I wish that I could do my dad and my uncles eyes justice. Hopefully I can.
One thing I’ve noticed is that it’s easier to paint large faces versus faces that are about a quarter big on a paper.
I’ve got 2 days left to finish.
Maybe really only one day since I need to frame it as well.
…
It’s time to deliver the commission. And I am truly so nervous! Whenever I mail out a commission or send pictures I have a good amount of anxiety.
But today, dropping it off in person to my aunty is another level. I’m hoping I captured their personality and the love they shared with each other, their brotherhood and their unique beings.
But honestly I am not feeling very confident.
Hopefully it will be received by my family with more love and joy than I am currently feeling about it.
That happens as an artist sometimes. And it’s not a great feeling. There’s highs and lows. So much of ourselves, as artists, go into each painting whether or not we want it too. It needs to be that way in order to create. Especially in a piece like this that feels so personal.
I have to deeply search inside to ask myself these questions:
- Did I do the best I can at this time ?
- Is the love and care and message behind the painting communicated even if I am hung up on its appearance?
- Did I feel at peace or enjoy the process?
The answers are yes. Yes. And yes.
So I must be content and hope that the perfectionist in me will settle and that this painting bring joy and peace to my family.
….
Right before my aunty picked it up, I felt a peace wash over me. The anxiety I have over this piece is (mostly) gone.
I felt it when looking at the piece, the love these brothers had and have.
when she came to get it we all teared up and I felt at ease. She loved it.
she later sent me a video of my uncles reaction. He loves it.
That’s the point. Not the perfection of the art piece but the emotion and connection I want to bring to people.